In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
