So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
