i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
