I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize