he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
