Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
