fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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