Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
