Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
two words...techno handjob
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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