I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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