do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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