Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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