the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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