a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
