I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
