god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't deserve a penis
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
