I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
