So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
