My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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