dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
