I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
