I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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