Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize