I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
