Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
