Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
