sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
