Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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