I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
