Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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