Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
