i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
