I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize