Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
