I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
