Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
