im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
