Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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