my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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