After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
