Will you blow on my dice?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
