She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
