my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
