remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
