all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
