Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
