I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
