I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
