an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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