someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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