I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize