Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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