my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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