Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
