If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
