Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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