I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
