Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
